…”now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less”
August 1, 2012
Sorry about the MIA yesterday, its been a rough few weeks ya’ll.
Since the last few months, I’ve been actively looking for a job to replace the one that would finish as soon as my current contract was completed, which was yesterday. Its been stressful to say the least. But now that I can say that I’ve finally secured another round of paychecks and work experience, I can stop, step back, take a breath and try to figure out everything that has gone through my head in the past few months.
In the very beginning I couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t good enough. I had worked hard, but should I have worked harder. What had I missed that I shouldn’t have? In essence, I tried my hardest to make a bad situation my fault. Without putting the full blame on any one person, I have finally come to the conclusion that this wasn’t my fault and that sometimes, bad work situations just happen. My dad has a great quote, that I thought about a lot and rolled it through my head over and over again.
To paraphrase, it speaks about lacking the courage to know when to stop.
While I generally don’t promote quitting, I think there is some definite truth in the idea. There are times, when we stay in a situation, simply because we don’t want to have failed. But sometimes, its a lot harder to say “this isn’t right” or that its not where we need to be. And I spent a few months trying to figure out how to not fail and it took awhile for me to be mentally strong enough to admit that wasn’t failing, but moving on and away from a position that simply wasn’t right.
Whew. Ok. So now that THAT’S off the chest, lets talk about how its affected me in other parts of my days. Lets see.
I’d like to say that, like most people, when things got a little crazy, that I turned to running and to working out as a safe-haven from everything. Something to provide structure, accomplishment. But truth be told, I was the absolute opposite. I think for me, the working out, the running, the structure of a schedule and a routine comes in the aftermath of having everything else lined up. Instead of running being an escape for me, its more of an extension of my normal and daily routines, so when those are disrupted, the workouts are necessarily so as well. Which has been pretty clear with my less than stellar workout routines (ahem. or lack thereof?). So much so, that i’m not entirely convinced that a full marathon will be a reasonable or safe thing to try in October, but I’m determined to do what I can in the remaining couple of months, now that all the different parts are starting to settle into place.
The other clear (to me) change has been in what i’ve been cooking and eating, or again, lack thereof. Late and unhealthy lunches, carb heavy dinners, lack of veggies, nursing coffee instead of switching to water – it goes on and on and on and on and on and ON and on and on. Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t been horrible, it hasn’t been a crazy unhealthy diet, it just hasn’t been what I’m used to.
And yeah – I am pretty annoyed at myself for letting one thing trickle down into other facets of my life, but I’m also not going to beat myself up about it. In an attempt to not be overly dramatic about it all – its simply an explanation and the newfound personal ability to look at the situation and say
Yeah, that sucked, but in the end -its not my fault, it certainly hasn’t defined who I am, but it has helped me to work my way through what could be crippling mind sets if left unchecked. So if you’ve made it this far through what was my attempt at an open and honest release of words, thank you. I’ll end with a quote that was conveniently put up today by one of my favorite blogs, http://ohsheglows.com/
Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.”
― Marie Curie
And now, it is time to move on.